Many Ultimate Fight fans across this country and across the world are not going to like this report. Many fight fans will be shocked and angry and puzzled and sleepy at the following facts that I have personally uncovered about their favorite sport and the men who participate in it. After reading this report, many fight fans will probably wish to commit Hari Banana Kari, which is a form of ritualistic suicide where one consumes an undisclosed number of banana splits until one literally explodes.
They would rather endure this grotesque, yet delicious, demise than accept the following facts about Ultimate Fighting.
1) In addition to mixed martial arts most Ultimate Fighters are also proficient in the crochet and macramé arts.
2) Most Ultimate Fighters like to pee while sitting.
3) Most Ultimate Fighters have more than one copy of the movie He Said, She Said in their homes.
4) When asked what their favorite pet is, most Ultimate Fighters would respond “My Teddy Bear” and then immediately bash the questioner’s brains in with a Jonathon Adler table lamp.
To the untrained eye one would watch an Ultimate Fight match and think that these men are very brave and very manly and very sweaty, and yes, they are all that, but they are also so much more. To the trained eye Ultimate Fighting might as well be called Ultimate Loving.
Let’s come to terms with what Ultimate Fighting really is; cage matches for sensitive men who hide their sensitivity with wanton violence and sheer brutality. The overdose of testosterone in Ultimate Fighters is simply a cover for the F-word, and unfortunately, it’s not Fart. It is Feelings.
Feelings are a relatively new concept to men. Throughout history, men have been taught to hide their feelings or to simply not have feelings at all. For a man in ancient times to show a sensitive side would mean that he was probably not up to certain tasks like raping and pillaging a town or village filled with women and children. In medieval times a sensitive man would have never been invited to join a regiment of knights in clobbering a crowd of unsuspecting villagers because the King believed that clobbering villagers was a cure for the plague.
Then, after years of frustration, sensitive men finally turned on each other. Sometime around the year 1433 in the middle of a peat bog a sensitive chap drew a seven-sided ring using deer antlers and sheep dung and challenged another sensitive man to a bare-knuckle fist-fight. An astute bystander suddenly suggested that perhaps an eight-sided ring might be less retarded looking and more pleasing to the eye, not to mention that The Octagon would also sound more intimidating than The Septagon, which isn’t even a word. After the changes were made, the very first Ultimate Fight was born.
Ultimate Fighters have put on a good show by snarling a lot and scowling a whole bunch and wearing their TapOut gear to fancy restaurants thinking that a t-shirt with a giant TapOut printed on the front is appropriate dress wear for a two-star restaurant. However, I have it on good authority that Chuck Liddell likes to write poetry while taking long bubble baths using his favorite soap, Auburn Mist. Kenny Shamrock once tried out for, and didn’t get, the part of Mr. Bigpants in the Broadway hit ‘Rosy Cats’. Dejected, he turned to the only thing that could fill the massive void in his soul, pummeling other men in an octagon shaped ring surrounded by barbed wire, chain-linked electrified fencing and guard towers where snipers watch their every move. A very famous feud broke out one time when Quinton “Rampage” Jackson wrote a love letter to his rose garden. Not to be outdone, Randy “The Natural” Couture responded by writing a love letter to every piece of furniture in his house. The feud finally reached its zenith when the two gladiators realized that they had written love letters to every single inanimate object in their lives, and then decided to write love letters to each other. They decided to consummate their respect for each other by eating a light lunch at The Olive Garden. Once, a group of Ultimate Fighters disguised themselves as snarky, big belt wearing college girls in Birkenstocks and secretly followed the Lilith Fair in the summer of 1998 and called that summer “the best and most defining time of their lives”. Royce Gracie is known to have a 7th degree Black Belt in Affection and Fondness. Bas Rutten’s house has an endless loop of Evergreen by Barbra Streisand playing so that you can hear it in every nook and cranny, even under the house, which is where he keeps most of his scrapbooking projects.
These are hard facts to contend with, America. However, there’s no need to go off and commit Hari Banana Kari over the fact that Ultimate Fighters are caring, loving, poetry writing, Real Housewives-watching men who cannot let their true emotions be known because their fans simply wouldn’t understand. We now know this isn’t true, because behind every Ultimate Fighter is a caring, loving, poetry writing, Real Housewives-watching fan. And isn’t that what it’s all about?
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