High-fiving needs to stop. It has always been an exceptionally stupid way to acknowledge that your favorite team has just scored a point or that your friend has said something extremely witty and biting towards another friend who is not as quick to reply. It is uncivilized and barbaric. It is vulgar and unsophisticated. It is the real reason that North and South Dakota went to war with East and West Dakota where the North and South wiped their high-fiving enemies completely off the map.
Our forefathers sacrificed their lives to free themselves from the brutal reign of the high-fiving British Empire. Most people don’t know this but it was the King of England who forced the early colonists to high-five each other in taverns and then had the audacity to levy taxes on all high-fives that occurred. Prisoners would be forced to years of hard high-fiving in labor camps all across the thirteen original colonies. There was a famous saying that Paul Revere used to recite whenever he was drinking in a bar. It was, “No taxation for high-fivation,” or something like that. George Washington would give a nickel to anyone who didn’t high-five after they sunk an incredible shot at the pool hall. The Revolutionary War was primarily fought over a single incident that occurred when a colonist wouldn’t high-five a British soldier after he whooped his butt in a game of snooker.
The ancient crazy Romans outlawed high-fiving early on in their history and as a result came up with the concept of the arch. It seems that before the law was enacted there was rampant high-five use in Roman society and very few people were interested in moving their community forward. By ridding Roman society of high-fives it refocused the Empire’s attention on science, math and raping and pillaging every country they could get their hands on.
Perhaps you might remember a little conflict called World War II where western civilization was on the brink of annihilation from the high-fiving Nazis. Adolph Hitler was an ardent high-fiver and a secret ‘high-tenner’, but only around close friends and family and out of sight of the cameras. Or maybe you might remember the time when a rowdy group of high-fiving hooligans took over a small island in the Caribbean called Grenada, where once again, the world’s armies fought back the tyranny of high-fivers that nearly brought the world to collapse once again.
Nine out of ten scientists believe that high-fiving leads to bad moral rectitude. It’s a gateway greeting. One day you’re high-fiving your buddies in the bar and the next day you and your buddies are calling in phony pizza orders to your neighbor that walks his dog in his bath robe. Where does it end? When will walking your dog in your bath robe out in public so that everyone can see your gross chest hairs and bony legs end? Come on, guy, put some pants on!!!
Over the years, illegal high-fives have been smuggled into this country through sophisticated tunnels all along our borders and has now somehow woven its way back into our national fiber. We have now become a nation of high-fivers. What is wrong with a simple handshake or a point-the-finger-and-wink-like-a-gunfighter or a simple nod that says “Wow, that was some neat-o goal huh?” We now see high-fiving going unchecked and out of control in bars and pubs across America with no end in sight. It needs to end quickly. Believe me, nothing good can come from high-fiving. If we aren’t careful, high-fiving has the potential to bring our entire country to a screeching, mind numbing halt. Take a look at history if you don’t believe me; the Mongols, the Romans, the Aztecs, the Dodo Bird, all brought down and are now extinct because of a simple, flagrant hand slap in the air. Is this the path that we want our country to follow? Is this the legacy that we want to leave our children and grandchildren and the beloved pets of people who are unable to have children? We need to take a closer look at our celebratory practices in sports bars and decide if it is worth it. My answer; No Way, Jose. Keep the high-fives in Greenland where they belong.
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