Caveman Memos

To:          Dag, Assistant Sec. Of Elder Council

From:     Tar, Co-Council for Cro-Magnon Affairs

RE:         New Image

Dag,

It has been decided by the powers that be that certain behavior will no longer be accepted around the caves in order to rectify our species’ negative image problem.  Some of the disapproving forms of Caveman behavior that have come under scrutiny are:

1.    Carrying studded clubs around in public.

2.    Dragging one’s female counterpart back to the cave by her hair.

3.    Letting back hair grow out of control.

4.    Talking with mouth full of food.

5.    Dragging one’s knuckles on the ground.

6.    Loitering.

7.    Grunting in run-on sentences.

8.    Public urination.

These and any other forms of behavior that are considered to be unbecoming of a gentleman will no longer be tolerated.

Our positive image campaign ordinance will begin immediately and anyone refusing to cooperate will be rounded up and shipped off to the Les Miserables Cultural Reversal Institute for the Unruly and Disorderly in the Caucus Mountains.  There they will undergo a six-month social re-initiation program.  Further social intolerance will result in a one-way ticket to the Bermuda Triangle.  Please inform all cave chieftains of the new rules regarding the new mandate.

Thank You,

Tar

        

To:              Yar

From:         Hok

RE:             Red Pain

Yar,

         It might behoove you to know that upon Tor’s discovery of ‘fire’ last month an interesting question has come about.  Once fire has been initiated, how does one go about extinguishing it?  We have exhausted our limited mental faculties trying to tame the fire that Tak started in the forest last week.  Throwing objects at it, especially wood, only seems to fuel its rage.  So far, the ‘Red and Orange God of Burning Hurt Pain’, as it is now being called, has already destroyed thousands of acres of vegetation and land that might have been useful if we knew what to do with it.   Frankly, I’m a little concerned about the air pollution it seems to be causing.

         I am also a little perturbed at Tor’s attempt to capitalize on his invention by charging residuals on what he calls a ‘discovery fee’ every time someone uses fire.  All of the accolades he’s received seem to have gone straight to his head.  He’s claimed bragging rights for the Northern Territory and he’s even tried to charge a ‘vocabulary fee’ every time someone uses the word ‘fire’.  I seriously don’t believe that Tor even knows what the word ‘vocabulary’ means.  He probably heard it over at the McNeil/Lerher campfire.

His attitude smacks of selfishness and arrogance, and until we even begin to learn how to control the properties of the Red and Orange God of Burning Hurt Pain, which seem to be highly unpredictable, Tor should not receive one dime, whatever that is.  If you ask me, much like the person that discovered it, fire does not seem to have any redeeming qualities whatsoever, and to be quite honest, if it hadn’t have been Tor some other fool would have stumbled upon this useless discovery.

         I’m afraid that my candidness has caused some friction in the cave between myself and some of Tor’s supporters, but my primary concern is for the safety of the members of the tribe and not catering to some megalomaniac’s ego.  Please see to it that the exploitation of fire be kept to a minimum and that it only be handled by qualified personnel.

Thank you,

Hok

To:              Grog

From:         Lar

RE:             Rules and Regulations

Grog,

Due to the unfortunate rioting that took place at last week’s Battle of the Network Caves, Australopithecus Man will not be invited back next year, either in a participatory capacity or as spectators.  With the growing number of people standing up straight, using tools and joining debate clubs we feel that we humans are really beginning to carve out a unique niche for ourselves on this, what we shall call for now, the earth, and the ways of Australopithecus simply cannot be tolerated anymore.  He is so prehistoric.  We are evolving into refined thinking machines and Mr. Pithecus clearly does not factor into the equation.  Is it our fault that he still possesses that enormous brow ridge and that his sloping forehead prevents him from formulating any thoughts beyond eating, sleeping and procreating?  I say no.  Why should we invite him to our festivities when we just end up paying for his archaic acts of aggression?  The only real solution is to distance ourselves from his kind, and, if the harassment continues, we have no choice but to defend ourselves by utilizing the tools of war.  If we are to grow as a species we cannot allow this evolutionary riff-raff to constantly impede our progress.  Please let me know what the consensus among the leaders of your cave is and we will talk further about this at the campfire.

Thank You,

Lar

To:              Lar

From:         Grog

RE:             The Bigger Picture

Lar,

It is uniformly agreed upon that Australopithecus Man clearly does not posses the mental faculties to understand what he is doing when he disrupts such social gatherings.  He lives by instinct and is not capable of giving any thought to reasonable or rational thought.  However, it has also been suggested that the higher thinking beings provide outlets and opportunities to the 'intellectually challenged' in order to level the field of play.  I know this intellectual 'imbalance' goes against the basic principle of nature that we have been living by up to this point, however, this kind of irrational thinking comes with intelligence, so we’re all just going to have to get used to it.  For now, Australopithecus Man will continue to have full access to community events and gatherings.  If there continues to be further disruptions on his behalf then the elders will handle the situation on a case-by-case basis.

Sincerely,

Grog

From Desk of

Plor, Esq.

To:              Lar and Grog

From:         Plor Esq.

RE:             Incident at Campfire #12

Mr. Blek,

It should be known to all parties that my legal services have been retained by Mr. Ik and Mr. Thh in response to allegations that they have participated in activities known to be unbecoming of a gentleman.  These allegations are entirely unfounded and my clients plan to prove this in a campfire of law in order to clear their good names.  I should also point out that my clients plan on suing their accusers for slander and defamation of character.  Mr. Ik and Mr. Thh are two prominent members of the Australopithecus Tribe just Northwest of the big rock next to the tree with no leaves.  We are also suing for punitive damages, because of the stress this case has created my clients have not been able to hunt or gather since the unfortunate incident.  They are also losing large amounts of hair on their backs and arms.  That we must resolve these matters in a campground of law is the only options my clients have left.  Therefore, upon reading this statement you are hereby subpoenaed and shall proceed to the fourth county campfire court on the date that has yet to be determined, as we are still grappling with this time and date thing. 

Lawfully,

Plor Esq.

To:              Plor Esq.

From:         Lar and Grog

RE:             Response to Ridiculouness

Mr. Plor,

It is laughable and, yet, very sad to hear you refer to Ik and Thh as your ‘distinguished’ clients.  To represent such biological rubbish in a civil case is tantamount to wiping your dung smeared feet on a new Sabre Tooth Tiger skin rug.  It is also insulting to see you try and raise these two vagabonds to the level of a decent citizen.  I should think that you had more sense than that.  I certainly will not entertain such nonsense as to appear to one of your silly trials, seeing how we have no laws to speak of anyway.  I believe I am safe in saying that your threats of suing are unfounded, and moreover, full of nincompoopery.  It’s unfortunate that I must waste my precious time and even more precious stone tablets responding to such ridiculous allegations.  Australopithicus Man is on his way to oblivion, and to that I say good riddance.

Unfortunately,

Blek

Nitwits: The Clog In The Toilet Bowl Of Life

There are some people who seem to dilly-dally their way through life, clogging up the rest of society with their indecisiveness, their selfishness and their overall stupidity.  Yes, there are a lot of stupid people, but these ones in particular directly affect the rest of us, especially when we are in line waiting to conduct some form of business or transaction.  These people are the reason that lines exist in the first place.  If it weren’t for them we wouldn’t need fast food restaurants or Quickie Marts because everything would be smooth and streamlined, flowing effortlessly in a virtual utopia of consumer efficiency and decision-making.  To them, venturing out of their home is just one big guessing game.  They don’t seem to know where they are, what they want and what they are even doing out of the house at this time of day.  How these people made it this far in life without running themselves over with their own cars is beyond me.

They are the Nitwits of our society.  Slow and boneheaded in every aspect of humanity, holding up progress with their confused and imbecilic ideas, believing that they can just wing it when it comes to simple commerce.  These are people whose brains are in perpetual first gear on the freeway of life, and a great many of them seem to be hopelessly stuck in ‘park’.  They are the ones who stop in the middle of the street because they are lost, rather than pull over to the side of the road and consult their map and try and figure out where they are in life.  They have difficulty understanding complex choices like ‘Would you like large, medium or small?’, to which their response is, ‘How big is the large?’  One could probably expect to hear them ask ‘Where do babies come from?’ and ‘Why is the sky blue?’ in the same conversation.

They are overwhelmed with choices.  Their brains cannot handle multiple tasks.  They are the people for whom the term ‘one at a time’ was invented.  In Biblical times Nitwits were considered to be a nuisance and were usually stoned to death out of sheer frustration and annoyance by people who waited behind them at the market for several hours while the Nitwits tried to decide whether to buy a sack of dates or a baby goat.

Nitwits are slowly killing the rest of us with their “not-knowing-how-to-do-anything-in-life” way of life.  I think these are the same people who merge onto the freeway at 12 miles an hour, causing other cars behind them to screech to a virtual halt or swerve out of the way, knocking other cars off the road, as the Nitwit happily listens to a loop of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in their head.  

At restaurants or coffee shops they are unclear on what to order when it is finally their turn.  There is nothing more excruciating and painful than ending up behind one of these human snails in line at a Starbucks and watch them try to figure out whether they want an iced latte caramel mochaccino with candy sprinkles or a blended mocha frappuccino latte with chocolate swirls, all while asking if the tomato and basil pesto sandwiches are gluten free.  I imagine this is what Purgatory is like. 

In restaurants they consume vast quantities of valuable time with their complicated and nit-picky ordering.  They want the waiter to whittle and carve and chisel the menu down to their obnoxiously finicky and fuss-budgety liking, turning the chef’s creations into a dumbed-down version of high school cafeteria food. 

They are the people at the grocery store who watch the checker scan their enormous order, scan all of their coupons, see the total, make a ‘wow’ face and then decide to write a check, which, of course, they cannot find. 

Nitwits like to linger at the front of bank lines and bombard the bank teller with questions about their account and about the American banking system in general, having absolutely zero knowledge in either subject.  The tellers often need extra help with the Nitwit’s asinine questions and must then consult other tellers, taking those resources away from other customers who are prepared and simply want nothing more than to get the hell out of there, join a street gang, commit a major crime and be willingly sent to prison for the rest of their lives in the hopes that they would never have to experience anything that hellish ever again.

It must be pure hell at a Nitwit’s home when it comes time to decide whether to take a bath or take a shower or to simply rinse off with the garden hose out in the backyard.  A baby Nitwit must be particularly frustrating at breast-feeding time when the infant, unable to communicate yet, begins crying at the lack of choices they have and wonders if their mother has a third nipple somewhere they can try.

It is not lame to know what you want beforehand.  It is not lame to be prepared.  It is not lame to be considerate of people behind you and perhaps try and facilitate moving things along in life.  You know what is lame?  Being blind to everything around you as you walk out your front door.  Have a plan.  Have a goal.  For people who can’t handle more than one thing at a time, don’t try to decide what type of coffee you want on the fly.  Plan it beforehand.  Write it down and then memorize it at home.  Try ordering to yourself in the mirror.  If it proves to be too difficult, give a couple of bucks to a Cub Scout and have them order for you.  If that doesn’t work then maybe a pack of stray dogs ordering your coffee will prove to be more fruitful.  If you still find success elusive, then perhaps it would be best for all of us if you just stayed at home and drank tap water while watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island, allowing the rest of us got on with our lives unmolested by you and your indecisiveness, you Nitwit.