The Salsa Stays In The Fridge!

My wife, Cheryl, keeps throwing out the salsa.  I’ve discovered that an opened jar of salsa that is half-used is absolutely useless to her sitting in the refrigerator.  “Are you going to eat this?” she would ask.  As I looked at the savory jar of red chip sauce I would say, almost indignantly, “Of course!”  What could she possibly mean, am I going to eat this?  It’s food, isn’t it?  How could this woman not know that at some point I am probably going to be hungry and salsa is going to be the perfect fit?  “It’s taking up room,” she would finally declare as she rearranges the contents of the refrigerator, clearing room for some of the more important items, like the bottle of ketchup that hasn’t been used since the Fourth Of July or the fat-free salad dressing that has congealed nicely into what looks like a bottle of Jell-O pudding.

“A half a jar of salsa would be considered a meal in most countries,” I would remind her.  It was certainly considered a meal, in fact, the main course in my apartment before I met her.  A bag of corn chips and a large jar of Pace Picanté Sauce® would, and has, sustained my nutritional needs for several days on end when times were tough.  Some may call this the difference between men and women, and although that may be partially true, my wife calls it the difference between someone who lives a civilized lifestyle and someone who is way too lazy to go to the store.

There is no fine line of distinction when it comes to what can be considered breakfast, lunch or dinner.  With me it’s pretty crystal clear.  Anything that can be consumed can fit into any of the eating categories.  My wife laughed at me once for suggesting that we have waffles for dinner.  “That’s breakfast!” she shot back as I rifled through my food index looking for a meal that was more appropriate and less jack-assed, considering the time of day it was.

Some of the other things I consider to be simple meals:  Cake batter.  Three pieces of white bread smashed together in a ball.  Ham.  Not a ham sandwich or ham and eggs, but ham.  A decent sized lollipop.  Any number of beers.  Cheez-Its®.    In my younger years these were the meals of necessity.  They were ‘what was around’ at the time.  Eat and get on with the more important things in life like watching COPS.  Time simply couldn’t be wasted on gathering ingredients like some caveman, chopping everything up, mixing them all together, and then cooking, baking or frying it all up.   None of these meals needed much, if any, preparation.  No plates or utensils were required.  If you really wanted to you could just drink the spaghetti sauce right out of the jar!  Why would you need napkins when you are wearing pants?  Just a willingness to quickly make a trip to the kitchen, down it as fast as you can, and you can get back before that episode of COPS comes back from commercial.

The constant disappearance of my jars of salsa has opened up a bigger picture for me when it comes to our refrigerator, and our lives in general.  I’ve discovered that these are highly choreographed moves that help my wife jockey for positions of power by using the various foodstuffs.  Her food, non-fat yogurt and almond milk, is at eye level and easy to reach places.  My food, beer, Tapatío® and Mezzetta’s California Habanero Hot Sauce® is either crammed into the ‘crisper’ drawer at the bottom of the refrigerator with all the old, lost cheeses that are half covered in mold, or it’s halfway to a landfill out in Palmdale.  The moldy cheeses have a longer lifespan in our refrigerator than my jars of salsa while The Real Housewives of God-Knows-Where have a longer existence on our DVR than any episode of COPS.  "Haven't you seen this one already?" she asks with indignation.  "Yes I have, but I need to see it again," is my usual response.  Trust me, I realize there is no way to answer that question without it sounding completely stupid. 

That's when I discovered that it's all in the tone.  "I need to see this episode of COPS again" is weak.  "I'M WATCHING MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER!" is strong, forceful and important sounding.  "I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW!  CAN YOU WAIT, LIKE, TWO MINUTES?  JESUS CHRIST, CAN'T A MAN GET ANY PEACE IN THIS HOUSE?!" is probably a little too much tone but I think I'm beginning to get it.

Forget about the floating cars and jet packs they promised us when we were kids.  I'm happy just sitting on the couch eating chips and salsa watching 'COPS: Tased and Confused' for the 100th time.