Have you seen them? You may have. You probably have. I know you’ve seen them. Clothing that looks like it’s from the 1970’s but there’s just enough suspicion about it that you know that it’s not. Slobbish looking hairstyles that, if they could speak English, would shout, “I’m trying way too hard!”. A look about their faces that goes something like this, “I know I’m in a cool spot right now and you all are merely visitors in my cool spot, therefore, I will tolerate you for now, but I better not see you here again and you better not tell anybody about this super cool place because I don’t want it ruined by the likes of you.”
They’re called Hipsters and they can be found in just about every major city in the United States. They are young adults who are in a state of awkward arrested development. People who are barely in their twenties and are already miss the toys and cartoons from their youth, which was only a few years prior. The one thing, however, that stands out in front of all this as a warning sign that young adults are in another pointless, directionless phase in humanity are the moustaches. Those stupid, silly moustaches. Young men who look as if they’re struggling to grow hair above their upper lip walk around the city with an unjustified confidence that seems to be beyond all reason and logic. Skinny, sickly-looking men do not need moustaches. What they need is meat on their bones, a comb and a direction in life.
Certain guys can have a moustache that fits their lifestyle. For everyone else it just looks weird. Here are people who can have a moustache.
Cops. If you are a cop, then you can have a moustache. Especially if you shave your head. Deciding to eliminate all the hair from the top of your body except for one specific region is something that only a cop can do. Plus, there is a history between cops and moustaches in this country that only gets stronger every time they show reruns of Barney Miller or Hill Street Blues. Personally, I think the reason so many cops have moustaches is because that’s where they keep their backup gun.
Bikers. No, not those skinny, whiny cyclists who ride for a few miles, then hang out for hours at Starbucks in their ridiculous racing gear, clopping around the store in their cycling shoes as if they’re in some Italian café and they’re training for the Tour de France. Bikers. The guys who ride those obnoxiously loud motorcycles that even deaf people can hear. They say the noise is a safety thing and that car drivers know when they’re coming up the road. Bullshit! People in Greenland know they’re coming up the road. They like the noise because they know that everyone is now focused on them and their handlebar moustache and their lame tattoos. Every time they ride their chopper is their 15 minutes of fame, played in a perpetual loop and restarted every time they start their engines.
Dictators. It doesn’t matter what country you are oppressing, the moustache is the natural accessory to tyranny, repression and unholy domination of a frightened population of people.
People from the 70s. Unless you have a time-machine, you need to keep the 70s look in the 70s. Ironically, most people who are fascinated by the style of the 70s weren’t even alive during that time. I was only a child, but even I knew that something had gone horrible wrong with the fashion industry. 70s clothing gets resurrected every ten years or so, but the result is always the same; embarrassment for being alive.
So, to all the Hipsters out there in the process of growing their less than impressive moustaches, this is just a phase in your life. It will pass one day and you will look back at the photos and wonder what you were thinking, and that’s normal. We all go through silly phases and have embarrassing photos as constant proof that we all make bad decisions. But Hipsters and future trend chasers need to know this; It’s not the moustache or the clothes or the sunglasses that make you cool. It’s actually doing something interesting that makes you cool. Hopefully, it’s not too late.
Below are some guidelines on identifying Hipsterism and steps to take if your household contracts this disease.
Q - What are the warning signs?
A - Sudden Mustache Syndrome. A need to wear 70’s or 80s style clothing that went out of style for a reason.
Q – Is there a treatment or a cure?
A – Unfortunately, no. Family and friends just need to ride out the phase like a gripping drug habit. In some cases, locking the Hipster in a room and forcing them to listen to hours of Spandau Ballet may temporarily bring the Hipster to his senses, but nothing is guaranteed.
Q – Is it contagious?
A – In some groups of people who rely on social contacts or are extremely prone to peer pressure; yes. In most other cases; no.
Q - Can Hipsterism be prevented?
A - In a word, hell no. As long as there are young adults who have been coddled from the time of birth and have been told that everything they do is great, even though they’ve done nothing, there will always be people who think that dressing exactly like each other gives them a unique individuality in life.
Q - What do you do if there is a Hipster in your family?
A - The only thing you can do, ride it out and wait for the next fad to encompass their inconsequential lives.
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