In the long road to pulling our collective heads out of our collective asses we, as a country, need to modify a few of our behaviors, curtail some bad habits and adopt a more positive and forward thinking philosophy if we don’t want to end up like Albania, a country of poor villagers pushing wooden carts filled with bales of straw around all day while their donkeys stand emaciated on the side of the road waiting for the sweet release of death.
We need to breathe fresh air again and we can’t do it when our heads are lodged in the constricted confines of our rectums. We have somehow become a nation of sound bites and thirty second video clips. We’re all attitude and no bite. A large portion of our population still believes that Velveeta cheese is food. We’re mixed up and confused and it is directly related, I believe, to having had our heads up our asses for generations.
It’s obviously very difficult to move or even see where one is going when one’s head is up one’s own ass. Think about the physics of having your head up your own ass. Some serious yoga moves must be employed plus some joints simply need to free themselves from their sockets in order to achieve such a seemingly impossibility. In order to begin, however, we need to understand a little history on how we got here in the first place.
Well, we began sticking our heads up our asses sometime after World War II. The nation had come out of a very difficult time and was tired of having their heads all out in the open and using rational thought and critical thinking to solve everyday problems. Using their critical thinking skills had become very taxing on Americans. So, in 1952 in the suburbs of Chicago, Illinois a man named Herb Smith proceeded to be the first person to successfully insert his own head up his own ass. He had tried it unsuccessfully twice before in 1951. Both attempts got him sent to the hospital where doctors were unable to detect the cause of his injuries. Herb explained that they were simply ‘gardening’ accidents and everyone left it at that.
In his garage Herb successfully overcame the ‘rigid-spine’ conundrum that had plagued white people for centuries and was able to lodge his head three quarters of the way up his ass. Excited about breaking the halfway barrier Herb continued for the next two weeks until had achieved full head/ass insertion.
Herb became overjoyed at the feeling of having his head up his ass. No more thinking, no more deciding on stuff. There was no responsibility for anything. Herb could walk around and say anything he wanted and it didn’t even have to be true. Herbs friends noticed that he was more relaxed, more confident than he was before. When asked about it, Herb brought them to his garage where he showed his astonished friends how to stick their own heads up their own asses.
It wasn’t long before suburban communities all across the country were enjoying the freedom of having their heads up their asses. The trend quickly spread to the cities and ports and forests of America. At the same time this was taking place, however, a slow disintegration of core values began to take place. Hard work was being replaced by unrealistic pursuits for fame and fortune. The Rat Pack and John Wayne was replaced by the Real Housewives of Who-Gives-A-Shit and the Kardashians. America was crumbling before our eyes. It wouldn’t be long before we would become fixated with Justin Beiber and what kind of car he was driving.
Not everyone, however, was enamored with the idea of having their head firmly wedged in their ass. Some people thought it was reckless and even dangerous, especially when driving a car. Others thought that it was unnatural and not very flattering. But, by this time it was too late. It was the 1980s and more than half the country had their heads securely lodged in their own asses. This was reflected in the nation’s acceptance of big hair, shoulder pads and parachute pants. It is now 2011 and we are still dealing with the traumatic effects that parachute pants has caused this nation.
America, we need to pull our heads out of our asses, and fast. We’re falling behind in rubber dog poop production, hair loss technology and hot dog eating contests. We cannot move forward unless we dislodge our heads from our rectums and take a look around at the big picture. Only then will we be able confidently say that America has the largest ball of twine, we have constructed the longest Hoagie sandwich ever and that The United States of America, hands down, is home to the greatest foosball playing, beer-chuggers the world has ever known.
